the feeling when you run down the water washing your hands, you flinched because it stings somewhere but you were completely unaware the whole time if you nicked yourself until right at this moment. you searched the source of the sting, it didn't bleed, but you can see it red, and it still stings when you touch it. 

i think i underestimate how much the breakup has been affecting me. it has been making me in a very wary state, like the cat airplane ears being zoomy. and i didn't even realize i've gained something that triggering me. hehe all of these vague words, might make you wondering what am i even talking about? if yes... okay let's take a deeeeep breath, hold our hands, and dive in.

for the record, i am comfortable of sharing everything. 

i got to know a guy, and i can sense, somehow, in some ways, that he's making me feel small and he's evaluating me, on our first date. i can feel it in my bones that something is off, my body is telling me something but i don't know what is it actually actually. but i remember telling him, "this date feels like an interview rather than a date". and until i came back from the date, and thought to myself, that was bullshit and he really ran the date like an interview. i felt offended from head to toe, full packed in my body. and i still can't figure out why he keeps on mentioning and asking where i currently live, and the fucking price of my room. ? like literally it went, "you live here?" while looking up at my house' building, in the most condescending voice. and stuff like "oh you're quite serious huh" ... ? this dude has been having some skeptical views about me and somehow trying to prove himself that he's right..? vibes. and whatever that is, it smells like someone who thinks he's above than everyone else. 

and that's like.. my ex is. he thinks he's above me, and everyone else. his views, his understandings, are the most correct ways and anything against that, are wrong. i lived my life for four years with a person who consistently proved it to me, "see i'm above you". 

i felt, small. i did. i felt insecure. it felt like, something someone proves me again that i'm unworthy, dumb, ignorant. these feelings, i thought i was free from them. but they were here again, triggered by this exact date experience. 

internalizing that "i am too sensitive" + "i am the problem for being offended" for a very long time, like years, and it was a daily occurence, affected me more than i thought. after someone consistently making you feel stupid for offended + tired from work + raging about things happening around you, it IS like a muscle memory. it's just sad... my body only knew to do that. like if anything happening around me, the blame is always us and it's always our fault. 

i genuinely thought i was doing alright, like emotionally. i worked on myself, gaining my confidence again, trying and trying to validate myself, but the core of it, i actually.. don't trust myself enough. can you imagine living my whole life, i was being taught what i feel, what i think, are completely wrong. and dating someone for many years, who also taught me the same thing. 

when i talk to others too, there are times that i consciously take a step back because i'm starting to feel scared.. in some ways. scared if they found out that i'm dumb ignorant stupid, for feeling certain ways, for thinking certain ways. and it makes me feel i have to perform in some ways thus not showing what i truly am. because, i think, i myself am scared of what i truly am. because i don't trust her enough to validate everything of her. 

actually took a pause midst writing this because goddddd this is so hard...

the experience felt like that, when you feel a sting while running the water to wash your hands. it feels like a bubble popped in front of your eyes and you didn't expect it to pop that quick. 

but i don't take it negatively, to be honest. it feels like my body gains a new antibody or something, we have something to be wary of in order to not repeat the same thing to happen again next time. and truuuuly, isn't that what experiences taught us all?

have you heard of the advice when you're heartbroken; spend your time with your loved ones? to be frank, i was sick of that advice because what's that supposed to mean???????????

and!!!!!! god!!! is this frontal lobe fully developed kind of thing.... now i understand what it means!!!

when you spend your time reaching out to those people who you're unsure of if they're also reaching out to you, it chips bits by bits of your self trust, self love, self worth. it makes you feel like shit. but in order to counter these feelings back, you should reach out to those who you're 100% sure reaching you out too, that you 100% know they connect with you on soul level. because that will make you feel loved. then it will make you feel confident again, and then it will give you courage to live again, the courage to fail. 

so this week, after that date happened, i felt shit. but i continued talking to my coworkers, my friends, going on a date that i know we could somehow connect on soul level depth, and my god! other than it's always fun hanging out with them, it indeed makes me feel better about myself! i feel vibrant!!! ah if i could insert a gif here... xD

this week itself is such an eventful week for me, emotionally. i learnt a lot in this week alone. and it makes me wanting to anticipate the tomorrows, what else is coming?

(and i actually just need a looong hug... to tell me everything is okay... to tell me i am doing well)