i think i was too focused on telling what happened since the last time i wrote, that i forgot what i actually want to tell.

this month is particularly hard as anxiety around my job has started to grow. i wanted to do my best, and my obssession with perfect mark definitely does not end after my graduation. i thoroughly enjoy the feeling of perfecting my work and the job i have now is definitely focusing on it. it's achievable but so easy to miss it too and that's what frustrates me. 

the feeling of you have done your best, you can feel each of your heartbeat and every mm of your blood pushing your wits, and every neuron in your brain works tirelessly. i feel the most alive. but your world breaks apart when your best is not at its BEST, where you did a mistake. no, it's not that a big of deal, really. but i feel as if i disappoint every cell of mine when it happened. i can physically feel that they die as soon as finding out that i did mistakes. not only in my work, but every aspect of my life. 

i'm not the best at dwelling my mistakes. i still dreamt of my past that i never stop regretting. swore with my life that i wanted to do and be better but there are some steps that i missed, which is completely fine! but my entirety feels like i'm not worth of living.

for the past 2 weeks, after many months of feeling numb (most probably due to my anti-depressants), i cried so hard at every step that i stumbled. i could feel in my bones that i shouldn't be here taking another breath that was saved for another deserving person. the longing to be at my comfort place with my comfort person, i was wailing, shouting for another ear to hear my cry of help. my usual pms is falling into never ending spirals but last week didn't feel like that at all (surprisingly) but i literally begging the world to let me go there.

the place that witnessed my ending. i always thought i hate the place but watching myself wanting to go there as if my life is at stake shows otherwise. that place saw how i was diagnosed, tasted my sewerslide thoughts at its tongue. it's kinda funny to see i was being this way while i don't have that many memories there because i locked myself in my room for 4 years. partly because i was scared that i might overspend with my almost to none money. 

i went there with my boyfriend. on the way, i could feel the change of the wind's temperature. where it gets colder and colder. my nose, as if it knows i'm back where it used to be. i find myself breaking into smiles that get even wider as i got closer. i bought my comfort food. every bite i take, i PHYSCIALLY feel healed. as though my dead muscles come back alive. this is so stupid but i literally can feel it. i almost shed a tear too which ALSO so silly! 

we went to where we can walk around with the trees and cats around. my God, maybe i love this place as much as it traumatizes me. is this how bittersweet feels like?

on our way back home, the sun was setting. oh, i have been forgetting i loved watching the sky, when it changes its colour, when the sun sets, when the moon rises and when the stars appear alongside it. this was my small joy. but i was too busy, too caught up with life that i forgot about it. the sky there especially is breathtaking as they let me see the horizon where the sun and the moon rise and set. i could feel the wind got even colder as the sun was setting. my soul feels alive. how did i even forget my small joy? 

every step i took, every inch of me comes back feeling alive and very much living. every breath i took feels like warm tears holding me so close and as if it's telling me that everything's fine. 

and everything is fine.

i feel so so much refreshed, and i'm glad i went out of my way going there just to heal me. and i indeed, healed.