i miss my third space so much i hope my laptop will be done getting fixed this week!

i think i learnt once again that sincerity is not in the form of mirror, but rather like looking at your reflection on a running water body. you're here visibly, physically, emotionally. but the other side, you can see just enough to delude yourself that if it's there so it means they feel the same way too.

it's hard to learn again and again that what's the most important is what you truly feel at your ends. and anything other than that are not worth knowing to define it. let's be real, don't you want to know what's going on the other side too, do they feel the same way and why it feels SO good to know too? aren't we all put at certain extent of importance to know if it's accepted, requited? and WHY it's so hard to let go of this intrinsic feeling?

why do all of us need to live day to day telling ourselves "what's important is me and myself and how i feel about it?". why do i feel like this is somehow bearing all the responsibilities of any interaction that hurt us in any way and not putting the accountability on those who hurt us? but again, if we do receive any kind of gesture to signal apology or accountability, what do we feel about it after then? is it satisfaction, or validation? and what do we feel about ourselves once we get them?

i feel like growing up until this age, all i've been doing is forcing myself into someone else's life and beg them on their knees "please accept me the way i accept you" and bear the hurt all by myself at the end. then, worked myself way through forgiving and forgiving and forgiving them. 

what about me? and it's the obvious answer. 'you should validate yourself. you should forgive yourself'. if i get a penny every time i heard this, i can afford quitting my job and fly to korea and stay there for a month.

but hoo haa, that's what everything truly is. unfortunately, there are irresponsible people. there are douchebags and assholes. and if we put that much weight on them to put a stop, then we're not moving on from anyone and anything. 

there's a level of sincerity depth, and no one can meet the same depth as us. there will be always a different set of stairs we climb and stop to meet at each other's level. but it's not the same stairs. it's not built by the same foundation, the same bricks and cement, even the woods are from different trees. the journey of accepting this reality will be my life journey.