when i thought things will turn out the way i want to, i was blindsided. but this time, it wasn't my fault, nor anybody's fault. it was simply a change. and, i hate changes. and i know too well that i can't forever live this way, hating changes, be it last minute, or early. 

the sole reason for me to quit my current job other than my contract is ending, is i want to work in a normal hour normal working day; 8-5 or 9-6 monday to friday. i've lived my life two years with 9-6, but rotational off days. and i wanted to take a step further to achieve what i've been wanting. hence i agreed to the interviews, i've done my best. and, the role is for permanent role. so it was all added up to the equation that i wanted. 

until it doesn't. i was informed that i am required to work in night shift and mid shift. those two weeks of back and forth was crazy, fried my body so much due to anxiety. i was so anxious, so badly anxious. i hate changes, this is not what i'm signed up for. but they insisted. and there's no will in my body left to fight against it. when i received that email, i instantly cried my eyes out.

i deeply tied my worth to the outcome, that i'm fully responsible and if it didn't turn out the way i want to, i failed, i disappointed myself, i'm at fault. when anything else is in microdoses, a whole career misled me feels like a total ego death and broke me. it was just me trying to soothen out the ground for me to fall on, when i talked all of my negative thoughts out of my mind. but falling on the ground is meant for to feel painful, so painful that it will last for few days, or weeks. and i obsessively wanted to predict every single outcome out of everything. when i am facing something that i can't predict any of the outcomes, i feel so much fear in me. it runs through my veins all over my body. this is so scary!

maybe let's take it in a way that this is me actively breaking out my shell, on the road to become someone i want to be. and getting out of the shell on my own is so scary. i know i have everyone with me but this phase is really me vs me. and it's so deafening that telling myself 'it's okay, it'll be okay' now is unreachable. i'm scared. i'm just scared of the unknown and the uncertainty. i'm scared how i'm gonna take it, i'm scared if things breaking me down then it'd be a long time to stand up on my feet again. i'm just scared of all of the possibilities. 

and after talking to friends, they pointed out that i'm only considering all scary possibilities, and nothing of good ones. but it's in the equation. and they're right. i'm considering all scary possibilities to soothen the ground i might fall on, but maybe the ground is for me to stand up tall, and enjoy the view from the high eyeview. i can't stop thinking about a sentence i saw the other day, something along the lines with whenever they're going through something difficult, they wonder what kind of ease and rizq Allah wants to give them. because the equation is,

So, surely with hardship comes ease.

Surely with ˹that˺ hardship comes ˹more˺ ease.

So once you have fulfilled ˹your duty˺, strive ˹in devotion˺,

turning to your Lord ˹alone˺ with hope.

just like 1 + 1 = 2, so does with hardship comes ease. and specific single hardship, comes with more ease out of it. and all it's left for me now is to turn to Allah with hope. i'm doing myself a disservice for not hoping, for speaking out loud only the negative outcomes. but the final part of the equation is hope. and ya Allah, You know the best that i'm scared of hoping. but if that's all what is left for me now, i will do just that. 

it's so scary to be here today, i don't know what is going on for me in the future, my tomorrow, my next week. and i'm sure we'll do our best to face it. and i'm sorry for feeling so scared. it's very terrifying and i don't figure out how to cope with it yet. i hope you're doing okay. let's revisit this again in the future.