the light bulb situation happened on random day that i found out the cause of my relapse.

i was even thinking to get a referral letter from my local clinic to see psychiatrist again. maybe it was me who couldn't keep up with all of the changes about my job and my new place. such a natural thing for me to go inside, with more flashy word 'introspective', because the reality is the whole lot portions of things are beyond my control. so i focus on me. which most of the time backfired so much that i started to blame myself for everything. putting words into explaining my spiral is freeing.

and i'm done blaming myself for everything.

i wrote down 'i don't want to try' the other day. i wrote down 'i haven't tried doing nothing'. i wrote all of that without actually knowing inside and out what was actually going on. but now i do.

choosing myself is stop explaining myself because someone is so scared of fucking up. and, stop thinking for others what they can do for me. do i know that automatically about me? of course not. i searched, did my reading, listening to countless talks about it. so i can serve myself better. to live for myself better. to be a better person for myself. but after being put in a situation where now i have to think about the other party? that instantly causing the burnout, the anxiety, and then the depression relapse. 

i'm the one who has to think for the other party what did they do that is fucking things up, i'm the one who has to think what can we do to solve it, i'm the one who has to think what kind of effort should be poured on this, i'm the one who has to pick a day and time for a date, and i'm the one who has to tell what kind of places i want to visit and what kind of experience do i want out of that, i'm the one who has to do everything, to think of everything, to solve everything. why am i taking the manager role in a relationship that supposedly empower me?  

we had months of on-going issue, i almost every single day during that period told him 'i feel disconnected'. but nothing was done on his end. but i kept going to go out of my reach, trying to figure things we could do to feel connected better, and i heard none from him. not only that, i thought i was the problem. 

on top of it all, being here reinforced my anxiety. all of my doctors and therapists told me in order for me to cope with my anxiety, i have to stop thinking about what others think of me. but being fed of 'this is what they want me to tell you because they think you're this and that', regularly, caused me so much distress and eventually relapse. i've communicated, yes, but the boundary was not respected. and i'm done giving the benefit of doubt and grace. i want people to meet me where i am. not me having to go out there just because they don't know how to. 

i'm a lonely being, it's an active choice. i live here where i am at now because i choose to. and everything in my life is my choice. whatever the consequences coming on my way, it is predicted and expected. but, every single time i hear other noises talking about my life and my choices, it disrupts me so much thus causing anxiety, again. i caved in, i'm on hermit mode, i'm here isolating because i want to and it is best suited for me. i know that because i've experimented everything and i know what works for me the best. and hearing noises is just a disrespect for me. 

both facts can be correct at the same time. yes i received so much support, but also the same space caused my relapse too. and i have all choices and decisions about my life now. and my decision is, i don't want to let myself live in a space that relapse is apparent. i was doing okay before, why do i have to choose to be in a space that causing me so much distress? 

do i regret living through this? i don't. in fact i'm grateful for this experience because i can see i'm just having repeated patterns. i experienced the same thing before and i let myself experience it again. maybe i don't learn enough from what happened. but after all, it opens my eyes to more potential future i might live. and i want to give my future self a better life that she deserves. she'll understand me.

choosing myself is not easy, but it is so freeing.