i have long accepted that this loneliness in me is gonna sit there for the rest of my life. she'll always be there because that's what me in my younger years learned. i have accepted that my own company is the absolute company for myself. 

but it's so undeniably true, the fact that external comfort does mean a lot. it helps a lot to lighten the load, to feel just a little bit better even more. sometimes it overpowers my own ability to give myself the comfort. 

and i have long accepted that there's so much in this world that beyond my control, but i can't help but it still hurts when i reached out when i need help, it doesn't get welcomed and embraced. i can't help when i've exhausted my sources internally to feel better, i resort to external sources. and i can't help but feeling disappointed when the spaces i once opened, i didn't get the chance to have the same space open for me too. though, i did it without expecting to get that in return, but i thought we've built a true connection. but instead i feel like i'm merely a tool to regulate emotions. 

the past week, i didn't feel like myself. i felt like i was on 200% performing and that entire 200% was onto my work. the work has been very very dreading in the past weeks and exceptionally last week. it was so tiring to be working at a place that the only thing matters is the result. regardless how many days you've been working, regardless the public holidays that i didn't get the time off, regardless of my effort put into this, all it mattered is the result ONLY. it didn't make me feel more motivated to do better, but instead i'm actively giving up on this. 

i feel like the true perpertrator that took away my spark is this job. it took away of my fun, what i anticipated, what i loved. i feel like i'm in a constant toxic relationship that i can't get out of. 

and, after all of these feelings i felt throughout the week, that i continously gave myself the comfort that i needed day by day, i only wanted to talk to people that doesn't require me to perform to speak. i only wanted to be in the presence who can see me as me, as my own person. not a staff. no more saying only the right words, doing the right things. i want to just be. i want to let my mind wander and speak while moving along the waves. i just want to be myself again. 

and it has been suffocating that i just CAN'T be myself. 

and i have developed even lower tolerance of disrespect. i can't deal with anyone who disrespects my time. i can deal with rejections, but i don't do mind games at this age of reaching 30. i don't tolerate my plans getting double planned on top of another, i don't tolerate when it's my timing that had to be adjusted to but it made seem like i'm the one who have to adjust. when it's others' timing that i had to adjust, i will gladly do so because i simply respect you as a person. and i demand the same respect to be given towards me. if someone can be a chooser to whom they want to show respect and be a decent person, you're after all still a douchebag, an asshole that masking to be the good person because it kills you when you're the bad person in someone's story. but it's all on me who thought people can change. maybe, but not all. people, hardly change. especially when they think their 'kindness' has to be earned and selective. writing this instantly got me gagged, i can't believe anyone could still be this asshole in big 2026. the whole world is becoming woke day by day, but somehow it's being selective and not including some groups. damn, never really thought respecting one's time is still a rocket science!

may i live a better life filled with better days