found myself angry at the nothingness figuring out why things that i thought were set on stone went completely wrong for about a year. endless search of the 'why's that made me feel like there is no end to this absolute misery and i had to suck up to this. i genuinely thought there is no hope for me out there, this intense wish of to have a life companion to be here with me at every step i will take, would end up with me having to accept i'd be here all alone.

it's all started from ramadan this year, when i just thought; "i want to listen to songs less, so let's find podcasts, ceramah, tazkirahs to listen to". and ramadan this year being a period of me redirecting and repositioning my belief that i always need the divine interference, takdir, fate, rezeki, for every single thing in my life including timing. 

this video came up on my algorithm one day, just randomly. and i was already at the state not understanding why things happened the way it happened, why i had to wait for something so uncertain. 

relearning delay in what we asked is a gift, and learning to watch and be in the beauty of current moment. i was being held back, i was asked to wait, and what i had to was to learn to be in the moment and stop finding answers! i could just stop, and look around, and focus on what is infront of me. and when i did exactly that, i found myself relieving that anger on its own by understanding there is indeed something better out of this beyond i could even imagine.

and, i learnt something new that completely shifts everything. it's what we've always knew, but maybe we were forgetting about it. when we are making doa, we must believe that it is already granted and answered in certain ways. i think i've spent quite some time being angry about things i wanted that i've made doa not being granted the way i wanted to. which, in another look, that made me not putting the confidence on Allah that my doa has been granted in different ways. the talk i saw on tiktok, told a story on he was from a village that faces draught annually so his culture has 'praying for rain' ritual prayers. he was asked, did he bring the umbrella to the masjid for the rain ritual prayer? because, if you're confident and you should be confident that your doa is granted, you should've brought the umbrella. the story made me question myself whether i ever being in the absolute confidence in Allah?

that instantly shifted my mindset for every doa i made after that day. 

after admitting to myself that romantic partnership is indeed vital to me, i continued to make dua for Allah to grant me a good and kind spouse, if the timing is not soon, but eventually i hoped. and i also made some dua on 'if you're saying now is not the time yet, please take away this feeling of the rush wanting it be now'. and, i remember Mak told me 'doa sebelum berbuka doa mustajab jadi doa banyak banyak'. and it is a culture in our home that after Ayah recited breaking fast doa, we'd spend few minutes still continuing to make our doa personally until we hear the bedil sound signifying it's to break the fast. ever since i started to live alone in perantauan, i've been practicing it as another way to relieve my homesickness. 

Allah saw how i was needing a companion, Allah saw countless nights and days i was crying alone in my room, at my desk at work, while i was walking home. 

when i made a doa 'if this is what You bless me, please permudahkan urusan ni', the confession happened right away and agreed to take a step further. and from there, to meeting his family, to get his family's blessing and approval, to get my family's blessing and approval, and to planning for our engagement and wedding. and to have our ways being so blessed that we have started to lock the date, to get things paid one by one. 

and not even once i feel small, not even once i shrunk myself to fit in, and not even once i feel being just tolerated. 

i feel being chosen by choice everyday, i feel being loved by choice everyday. 

no half ways, no more waiting for uncertain business to resolve, no more waiting on vague timing. 

Allah made me wait and made me learn to live in the delay, so i could find my ways to him to achieve what's even greater than my head ever thought of.

semoga urusan kami dipermudahkan dan dimurahkan rezeki dalam planning ini. Amin <3