Assalamualaikum.

I've been procrastinating a lot on updating the blog. These days I don't feel like writing anything, to let out anything. Guess I've changed to someone who is not keep everything in anymore.

So during the first half of 2018, I was in my last semester of CFS. We transferred to IIUM Kuantan because of some reasons. One thing I will always remember on IIUMK is, the first week was VERY VERY COLD. The temperature I think it was less than 20? Super cold. I turned on the fan at 3 and my other roommates didn't turn it on at all. Gotta admit they were some morning I didn't shower LMAO IT WAS THAT COLD OKAY.

I had only 3 subjects. I thought I can scored all A's but LMAO NOPE. Had only one, I really enjoyed the class. The other two, sighs. I enjoyed all but guess I didn't do my best. One of them was Public Speaking. I think I just suck at it. It didn't go well. (why I'm sad at everything)

Before last semester of CFS ended, I got myself a boyfriend. LOL SURPRISE

He was one of my good friends. Dating him was all fun because we were friends. But you know shit happens. We'll go to that part later.

Loved the roommates I had. We were together since first semester. They were the one who heard of me singing songs so loud, on the phones, my annoying laughs. I love you all, I really do.

Second half of 2018, I'm in first year first semester of degree in IIUM Gombak. A new fresh start but I started to get anxious on making new friends, getting along with new roommates, not in the same class my roommate. Second half of 2018 is really about my mental health. I always knew I had anxiety but not to the extent I feel like it is very serious. But now, IT IS SERIOUS. I didn't know I can suddenly cry when I was about to go to the gym. I was scared when I'm public. My heart pounding so hard when I want to push the bell in the bus to get down. Even anxious to pay for my meal.

Not only that, having a boyfriend makes me aware of my look. I want to look good and pretty. I wanted to start taking care of my skin which I didn't before because my mom said I'm still young for it. I get insecure often. When I saw him sharing posts of some girls in Instagram to his friend, it kills me inside. I always knew that I'm not that pretty. I'm short, fat, my voice isn't as cute as other girls as well.

My mom babying me is great but I started skincare to build my confidence but seems like my mom not supporting me on that. I feel like I should talk to her about this but knowing her, she won't glance an eye on it. I asked my mom to let me buy scrub and cleanser but all she said was "The first I used all of these were during my working days. You are too young"

But mom, your daughter is losing her confidence day by day.

Losing weight is a whole another level. I just get too hungry out of sudden and I have no choice for my meal. Maybe later

My dating life? I started with no attached feelings just yet. But I gradually make myself to like him more and more. Even we had some problems here and there. Honestly dating someone is emotionally draining. It was especially feel like it because I started as not really interested on building a new relationship but I got too attached.

Now? If I be honest, I don't feel as attached as before. It was something building up, piles and loads loads of it fell at once. It's not something going on about my ego. It's about how I was treated. Maybe I was expecting more. I never wanted to leave but my heart wants me to for once pamper it.

If you are reading this, now I expect almost nothing.

Now I'm on my semester break, at home. But I'm stressed out more than I did in school. I feel like crying for the whole day. I napped a lot today. Stressed. Not gonna lie. I want an escape, a short escape would do too. I want to actually rest. A REST rest. Please let me. I didn't sign up for this. If someone say you could gain deeds, sis I just want a rest. I'm on break, let me actually rest. Please I'm begging.

To conclude, most of my 2018 was bad so I can say it was a bad year?

For 2019, I want better mental health, better skin, better physical, better me.