This is just an honest heartfelt post.

I'm kind of overwhelmed. I'm not sure why, and it's uncomfortable.

I feel suffocated, my breath is short.

Life update?  I'm at home, on my 3 months semester break, doing nothing but making my mom angry once in awhile, coaching English to my baby brother but he lacks of motivation so do I, watching dramas that I missed, waiting new episodes of on going drama, planning to do productive activities but they all remain as plans.

Relationship? I don't feel like we're real. Maybe it didn't happen, it was all me? I guess so.
I didn't fall hard this time, thank god. Or else, I don't know, maybe I'd cry my lungs out right now.
I just started to care less. They say guys need space and time. Pfft, take them all. Date them instead mf.

Tonight is just my monthly self hatred night.

I forgot to cook rice and make lunch for my dad. He needs to eat according meal time because of his gastric. Mom went on "your dad has gastric" for god knows how many times. little did she know I feel bad as she is.

I overheard my parents talking about dad's illness.
"I think this illness brings me to death"

I assume my dad has lost his will and faith in living,
so do I, sometimes.

Listening to that with my own ears, felt weird.

I survive until today all because of dad. Talking to him gives me so much peace and assurance. I think that's what all guys do. Talking to guys about this better than girls. I'm not sure why either.

I can't imagine living without depending on my dad. Screw everyone who guilt trips people with "you should rely on God" as if I'm not. I put my forehead on the earth too, I seek for Him too but He creates another human for us to rely because we share the same physical and emotional. I'm sure He pours His loves towards us through what we called them, family. I once prayed,
"don't take my dad before I meet a guy that I can rely on as I rely onto my dad"
I think that's what I'm searching for soulmate.

But guys like independent and strong women.

I asked him, what made him like me.
He said, "you're straightforward and independent"
but months later,
"I gotta take it back, you're not independent at all"

I'm very well known about me, that I'm weak. I rely on my dad a lot. I rely on so called boyfriends a lot. But they dislike weak girls. They prefer strong independent women instead.

My ex once said it was annoying that I got insecure way too much. He got tired of reassuring me.

Sorry, I cannot help about this matter. I'm weak.

I talked to an old friend the other day, I told him a bit how my past relationship was toxic.
I told him I'm mentally struggling but my ex's personality, cannot admit his fault and apologize, drained me a lot. I felt like I was mentally abused.
He said, "right we're looking for someone who can support us"
I was touched, I got choked up and I said
"This thing is sad, I feel like crying"
50-50, it was sad and I was touched by his words.
It was always nice talking to who doesn't know me well,
because if he knows me well, he could be spitting the same fucking words as how other guys did.
Dependent.
Annoying.

Is it my fault that I depend on human?

I need one long hug, telling me it's okay to be weak, you can rely on me.

I don't know why I'm crying typing this post. I don't know what makes me sad.

Life is hard. I wish I have less emotion.

I want to live in a short life.