to live in my own skin was a very long thorny journey. and the thorns were made by myself. the scratches and the wounds are all, the fault is in me.

I'm not in fair side.

complexion was never my issue until in my teens, until I got into boarding school, until I liked boys.

I didn't pay attention to my looks until then. I didn't know what insecure feels like until then.

My skin, was never in right tone, they were uneven. I played outside (yes I did), and I loved marching.

But,

no one ever comparing me to fairer friends. it was all in my head. I felt the need to conform with the standard beauty. and no one tells me to.

I put myself down on my own. I told myself to conform, to be like everyone that people calls them pretty. for once, in my life I wanted to be pretty.

I learnt how insecurity felt like. I cried at nights, hated looking at myself in the mirror, frustrated how my uneven skin tone stayed the same for the rest of the year.

It lasted until recently.

What got me hit by reality, an online friend said "oh you're fair". when I denied, he said, "but all of your pictures show so."

no, I didn't feel being disrespected by him, but by myself. I hated how my skin looks, I hate my complexion, I hate my skin tone. I was in denial state, I was scared to buy new lipsticks because in order to get one, you have to match with your tone.

Then,

I bought new compact bb powder and lip tint. both are, according my tone.

the first day wearing both of them was the hardest. it felt like a huge leap.

but big thank to baby bro, he said he liked seeing me with them instead of the creams which are 2 3 tones brighter. small little words, but encouraged me to stand firmly and confidently.

and today, I've posted pictures of me with new lip tint and bb powder! I loved the pics aaaaaaaah <3

izinkan saya untuk feeling myself. for once, I live in my own skin comfortably.





(guess I hate writing about this, literally almost 0 inspiration. I took about 1 hour plus to write one post while when I got some inspirations, I'd be done in 10 minutes to 20 minutes)

oh, one last thing.

I think I like girls too.

:/