i cant believe i’m saying this but i truly feel it so strongly now, that, i really gain nothing from being very sensitive and so in touch with my feelings. so much about being emotionally intelligent… all i ever get, is get hurt. so much about in tune with my feelings and as a ‘guide’ my behavior and improve my relationships… and i don’t only mean this romantically. i meant for every single aspect of social interaction that i had. maybe this is just grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side moment but being obliviously stupid and not in touch with feelings, or blatantly avoidant emotionally sound so liberating and fulfilling. in a way that i don’t have to deal with this whole thing like at all because i simply can’t and incapable thus i probably don’t even feel the need to? liberating. imagine just growing old without actually feeling anything in a spectrum to the extreme but still having so much in your life. imagine the life you don’t have to wreck the hell out of your brains on how to tell your friends that you don’t feel like doing it without actually hurting their feelings or being an inconvenience. imagine the life you distracted yourself so much from everything that you went to pursue your studies, embarked your career at an insane high level, marrying the perfect person and having perfect kids because they give you some sense of security while at the same time you feel this hollow but avoiding to face it until the end of your time here. well, that’s fucking liberating.

i’m here, so ‘in tune’ with my feelings, so in touch with my feelings, sensitive. all i’ve been doing in my whole life is guessing where the fuck i’m standing from in someone’s life so i can protect myself from feeling more hurt. i don’t even get to distract myself because this is consuming 100% of my life that i fell into depression, actively spiraling, and having actual anxiety attacks over this. my life is consumed by me speaking out loud to myself “take a deep breath now you’re anxious” and those EXHAUSTING countless grounding techniques. i’m here the one who has to seek therapy or else i’m going to do something even worse. i’m the one doing this pulling away consciously because i feel unsafe and it is exhausting to feel unsafe around the familiar environment that gives you a sense of comfort. comfortable, but unsafe. and i’m going to say this with all my whole chest, nobody can be trusted and i don’t trust anyone anymore and i refuse to trust anyone. i really only have myself and myself only.

and to be honest, unfortunately showing up for yourself can give you so much but until it gets to a point. things that trigger you, will haunt you for the rest of your life. when you thought you moved past it, went countless therapies for it, when it comes out of nowhere, you remain triggered and another round of “i’m safe here” while patting your chest. and unfortunately, there are times that i will need to ask for different opinions and in order for me to do that is to let go of this wall for a moment. and that, is something i refuse to do. why do i have to show and strip myself naked bare skin again and again. maybe the only answer is I just have to live in this world alone and by myself. 

it kinda makes so much sense why some choose to be in solitude, being on their own. it sounds liberating. and God just had to make me infused with craving for external validation at the extreme spectrum and wanting to be someone’s significant ones. and everything is at my loss. i gain nothing, i only lose my grounding in the process. i'm just at my loss. i’m at loss. i lose.

and i meant this with my whole heart, i wish to cease to exist.