as i started to regain my rhythm again, i can feel i grow into a bigger circle than i was before. which gives me more space to fill in with. and i thought it is not a need for that space to be filled until the suffocation starts crawling up again. the constant thoughts i have every time i wake up in the morning and before i close my eyes to sleep at night, where should i pour these remaining of me outside of work and my resting place. the rules for the space is fixed, not flexible, rigid, 0 compromises, and it must be something somewhere i can feel completely safe without judgements and exterior noises that possibly hurt me along the way. 

looking back when i was a teenager, the school life was difficult but bearable. and it hits me that it was bearable because of my third space at the time. my house, my blog, my books were the third space. 

i didn't realize having a desk and a chair, or even having shared co-space like living room in the house to separate my bed (the ultimate resting space) is crucial in maintaining the order until now. i desperately need to give my room a small area for my third space as i was being complacent about it for the past 4 years. because, my third space was my ex boyfriend. 

the third space is the place that i look for when i had a good day, a bad day, a so-so day, a completely nothing was going on day. and all these times the third space when i lived my early 20s, it was a person. but life has proven me time and time that people is unreliable because people is not a stationary constant thing that stays the same regardless. and it just hits me now, myself at 26 years old, i cant put the label "my safe space" and "my third space" onto a person because people is unreliable. i thought they must and should take whatever info about me as it is, and leave it as it is but instead, i was welcomed with unsolicited judgements and analysis. when i thought all i needed is a shoulder to rely on, a listening ear, but what i got in return is judgements and judgements. "you are this type of person, so you must do this and that. this way will help you" when i hoped in return was only a constant presence, not noises or unwanted voices. 

what i feel these days, i feel stupid because i've grown a lot, i've aged, i'm not 15 anymore, but i seem to still barely keeping myself together and barely know what the heck is going on and what the heck i should be doing so i can feel less suffocated. but maybe this is what living is about, endless figuring out and figuring out. and for the record, i never felt like actually living until i graduated and started working. (for the record too, i was diagnosed with depression in my third year xP). before, i felt like i moved on automatic default mode according to factory reset. as i started to regain wants and wishes, everything feels so mismatched and unmatched. everything feels so, unsafe. 

and here goes to living, by taking steps in figuring out what is there to fill in my space as my third space. where non judgmental noises reside, where stationary is determined, where constant is a given, where i let go of the act of showing up, where i can feel the most safe.