it's hard to shake off of what significantly damaged me to the point that icompletely lost my grounding and what i thought my sense of self. it's even harder to ignore when i feel it's completely unfair for me to face that when i know i don't deserve that at all. when it made my sense of self so broken, i tend to react due to survival even when i'm not in danger. i feel like i'm a feral stray kitten that being left in the rain for few days, and someone comes to rescue me. i hiss, threaten to bite, while so visibly shaking due to cold and feeling scared. 

what i usually operated before is, i went where my heart brought me. my heart played the role of an achor and a navigation. she moves, i move. but the past showed, almost shoved down my throat that my heart this time was completely wrong. and i just realized that i haven't let her to be soft, to forgive herself for leading us to what caused us the most painful part of our life. she is so wounded, that even when my brain has already moved on and set on a new beginning, she lags behind. she's still that feral kitten visibly shaking and shivering, hissing and biting, when all she needs is someone to rescue her, put in a warm blanket and tell her that she is safe now. but i know my heart is just being protective, because she knows way too well how hurt i was, how deep was the wound. 

what hurt us the most is we held at utmost maximum capacity as deep as an ocean, while the other party barely has a teacup to hold it. oh god... this is so cliche conversation of depth and capacity, the teacups-tall glasses analogy. but to meet another ocean shakes my ground. like, hey there are people out there that meets me where i am because they're there where i'm exactly at, instead of shrinking ourselves and becoming 'the bigger person'. and oh my god, i realized that there's nothing about being 'the bigger person' in my relationship now because we understand and willing to tolerate, negotiate, and to understand rather than one of us taking the full fall?

he lets me flow, freely. some waves, heavy wind and rain, won't shake his ultimate ocean. he lets my heart lags behind, he understands that sometimes it doesn't touch my heart simply because it hasn't dawned on me just yet. and this is the love i want for myself, that i deserve for me as a person who feels things so deeply including what hurt me. 

at the age of 26, i learned how it feels like when something hurts my ego that singlehandedly ruined my concept of self and love. it angered me that i needed to start again at the square one, to rebuild what is my self worth. slowly, i rebuilt again and have a new concept of what love should be for me. at the age of 27, someone comes to fill in that space, almost identical of the edges i've always had, and he lets me just flows. because, he is that ocean that complements another ocean me.