i was sitting down at my work desk, doing my work as usual. and i suddenly understood why things happened the way it happened, why i reacted the way i reacted, why i felt the way i felt, and all of my 'why's' during those months of confusion not understanding, it is finally answered.

i don't know who's reading this, when are you reading this, at what state of mind when you're reading this. but if you're looking for an answer that may be still not gonna answer all of your why's. maybe you can revisit this again and again until it finally does.

i think the childhood complex trauma that shaped who you are now today in romantic relationship, platonic relationship, and family relationship started to come up on the surface loudly as we grow older. things that usually didn't hurt us, now it hurts us. things that usually we don't really care much, suddenly it's so important to us now. and i finally figured the reason. 

it's because we're feeling unsafe more and more as we grow older. 

some spaces that we feel unsafe, we could just not really pay attention to it back then. but now, it's triggering. or maybe we did feel safe, but as we jumped onto a new space, it's so unsafe that you're actually abandoning yourself so much. and you're mistaken that for intense love. but it's your inner child screaming to your face that you feel so unsafe in that relationship. you abandon yourself so much that, the only thing that keep your self together is by keeping them with us. by earning their validation, by earning their love, by earning their apology. earning and chasing have become something you do daily until your self, your inner child, shut down on themselves. now you're feeling this shaky ground, you're freaking out over 'losing them'. but actually, your body and your inner child are freaking out over yourself losing your self. the only that keep them together. and you started to give excuses; "they're having a hard time too i should be even more less me, i should be thinking less of me, i should give more".

it's like a debt. this sense of our self is like a debt. if you sit still, taking your time doing things that actually makes you happy as your self; hobbies, retail therapy, the hole of debt is covering up until it's gone. being in any relationships that not costing you to dig deeper of that hole, the one that you feel it empowers you. like, choosing yourself is not costing to lose them on the other end. but it works together in harmony. but if the holes have more than just one, and you had to dig deeper and deeper as the relationships went on, now you only left with the digger. the finder. that's the part of you that wants to do more, want to bargain your part of self more. it made you think in your head, 'i should've been more understanding. i should've think of me less. i should've done more. i should've buy them gifts more. i should've buy me stuff less'. it made you think that if you do more, you'll feel the hole is covering up. it does, but at the cost of another hole has been digged even deeper.

and of course, now we're freaking out! with all of these debt holes, how are we gonna fill them up again? and how painstakingly paying off debts is like, is to stop digging for more. but instead, to work on our self; do what makes us happy while being alone and with safe people in our life. like actually.

my personal experience was, i had to forget that i loved going to parks and i loved going on walks because my ex hated walking. he hated being outside, he disliked the ideas of bringing to places that we could go for a walk. and i forgot how much i love watching the sky for sunrises and sunsets, and the moon. and due to he hated being outside, i forgot when was the last time i looked at the moon, i forgot when was the last time i enjoyed walking while watching the sunset. and i forgot about i gave myself a name that i made it in my high school, and i've always loved that name. i forgot i loved kpop so much that it was always have been my dream to go to the concerts and to the fan events. 

i started tracing back on things that i loved. it started from watching the sky while i was on the way back home walking from lrt station. and that warmth i felt in my chest, it felt like i haven't feel that in a while. i took thousands of pictures of the sky. if the sunset didn't look pretty, i took pictures of the clouds instead. i watched the clouds instead. doing this did feel like it is collecting my self piece by piece. when i sometimes dinner at mamak near my house, i sat outside. just to look at the moon. though it was the same table that i sat with my ex for two years there, it felt like i'm reclaiming that table to be my experience, my space. i took pictures of the moon, stressing out about the quality, doing that brightness up and down to get the full circular moon shape. doing that, i can feel i am picking my self piece by piece. 

it's a blatant lie if i said i finally felt okay after that. the progress is truly not linear. there were days that i got triggered, questioning am i not worth of staying, am i not worth of loving, is it that easy to leave me behind like our shared time for 4 years didn't mean a thing, i should've done more, i should've been more understanding and forgiving. there were days that i relapsed, feeling like wanting to end my time just right there because it's so hard to feel shitty and just continue living like nothing hurt at my core. but picking up my pieces day by day, and today, after 1 year 4 months since it happened, i finally can watch videos of us, look at our pictures, without bursting out crying, shaking, anxious, feeling like ending it. i finally can sit down, and just laugh at our funny videos, just laugh recalling the jokes we shared. and i finally can say with my own mouth, it was a very good relationship but takde rezeki jodoh sampai kahwin. that's all. it had to happen, if not, i'll forever abandoning myself, and i will hate my spouse for making me do that, and i will continue hating myself until my end days. 

i think a relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, family, it should be as it is. not to chase, not to earn. especially the big three; love, validation, and apology. we don't make people we love chase for our love, chase for our validation chase for our apology. nor we make them have to earn our love, earn our validation, and earn our apology. it should be as it is, it should be a given. the love, should be a given. i love you, and you love me. showing gestures, buying gifts, spending time, making sacrifices are not to chase and earn the love, but for us to bond. i validate your feelings, and you validate my feelings. it should be as it is. it shouldn't be endless paragraphs and talking trying to explain each of our sides to justify what we did wrong so we can get that apology. it shouldn't be an endless explanation of what we've done to each other just to get us to say 'i see that you're doing that for me and for us and thank you for that'. it should be, 'hey thank you for doing this for me!' as it is. i apologize for hurting you and you apologize for hurting. it shouldn't be a need of justifying and countless explaining just to hear 'i'm sorry'. it should be just it is. it should be, 'i'm hurt' and 'i'm sorry. i hope you know i didn't mean it but i'm sorry for hurting you'. and by understanding this at the core level, we get to navigate and find which people suit us so there's no longer self abandonement happening on the long run. the harsh truth is, people is replacable. when they don't serve what you want from them, that's the end of everything. but on the bright side, there are people out there with the same edges and curves that we've been looking for. and it will fit, just nice.

you'll need the courage to do all of that, and the courage is in you. there's someone in you who wants to get better, to feel better, to do justice for your inner child, to give what your inner child been yearning for. and you have to find it in you. you'll get there. i'm here at the destination, and you'll get at your destination too.