i think i lost myself again. i think i'm still figuring out where is the boundary between me as me, and me as a survivor/protector of myself. i figured that constantly comforting myself by doing the ted talk to myself to get through my week eventually led to burnouts. 

realizing that i lost a lot of things that i loved simply because my situation didn't let me to have them. i now don't have the time. that eventually pulled me away from all of them. though i still hold to them very very dearly. but when i tried to get back on the track, i dread it. i simply, don't want to do it anymore. it doesn't give the same joy and relief as it did to me before. it doesn't become something that i anticipated the most anymore. and, realizing that, i am actually having depression relapse. because, this has been going for quite some time, more than a month. i've exhausted my options, my coping mechanism. i tried to minimally start again, but it dreads me so much. so much that i don't feel like myself anymore. 

and there's a hell lot of mental load i've been carrying, including my upcoming panics. they're all there at the back of my head, getting ready to come up on the surface. my environment didn't help to lighten the load, but instead becoming something that holds more weight to it. i'm feeling heavier and heavier. when i reached out for help, i didn't receive it. i don't know how else to carry this with me. i don't feel like myself anymore.

i don't know when was the last time i was excited about something that i really loved. because i was always occupied by something else, making me had to choose between them. and i feel like i always had to choose the latter. i feel like i have to. so many months passed by, the ones that i really loved, no longer holds the same now. and it's so sad. i still want to enjoy all of it, that's all what i want for my life, but with everything is going on, i don't know why i'm left no options that i feel like i'm gaining something. 

i know this life is just entirely us losing our ways and finding it back again. but being in a situation that i just can't get out of it to find my ways back to it, is so demotivating. i feel like my fears are being proven, heightened. and if i continued another day still not feeling living as me, i'm afraid i will lose all the will to find myself back again. 

running around with an empty tank for every aspect to simply function as an adult, feels like attending a class when you skipped your lunch because you couldn't afford to eat otherwise you'd sleep hungry. it's that constant defeat, regardless of your choice. 

i wanted to feel like myself, to be seen as myself, to be heard as myself. and i no longer can do that on my own. i need help. i simply cannot do it anymore.