The same path under the same moonlit sky. We’ll probably end up falling asleep at the same place. Now I want to be with someone. I want to get rid of this loneliness. I don’t want to be alone anymore.


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kaneki ken jae' sungjin youngk, wonpil dowoon day6 bob.

spiralling nightmare + 0 comment(s)

 i spiralled so hard about the anxiety around my work that i actually had an anxiety attack all night. it got so bad that i can feel the heightened senses. the fan in my room suddenly gets too loud, the lights from outside suddenly seeped through the curtains and my door too bright. the moment i started falling asleep, i heard my thoughts getting louder, i started hearing things from my dream physically. it woke me up so bad so many times in one night. i knew i was actively having anxiety attack, actively spiralling. since it was super early morning like 2am 3am, i ran out things to make myself grounded. i ran out things to distract my thoughts. i thought i was gonna stay awake until morning and i had to go to work after. but i just fell asleep with my tiktok app was on. it has been awhile since the last time i had this intense attack that disrupted my sleep so much. and the fact that i haven't really had nightmares these days. i can sense that it's so bad.

i woke up feeling shitty, the attack continued until in the morning. i was just constantly irritated, uncomfortable, and restless. i started freaking out my commute to work taking longer than usual. i knew the attack was still here when i started freaking out over normal stuff on my daily days. it was like having flashbacks on how it went for me last year. and to think that i had this experience constantly for months daily, and now i just have it rarely. 

the usual therapist that i'm seeing, she's on her off days today. i really didn't know what to do. the anxiety around my current work builds up when i checked my emails. the constant finding out things that fed into my anxiety today... god i swear i forgot how to breathe. 

i reached out to other available coaches, and thankfully one coach that i haven't got the chance to see her yet so far was free so i went to see her. i want to tell everything that she told me but that's for another day... hehe x) but! she told me, i need to get myself gearing up and learning the acceptance. accepting that what actually comes after, the consequences, the past, and including, accepting that i'm doing at my best ability with everything that i have now. for me wanting to do more but not having the capacity, she said, that's not acceptance. i haven't accepted things that i am actually capable of. i'm looking outwards, something that's not here. and not acknowledging who i am now, what i have now. 

i just sighed so loud! like, ah... at first i really don't know if i were already doing my best because i feel like i can do so much more if i had the time and money. and she said, 'but you've done everything that you can do now despite you don't have the time, money, and energy right?'. that singlehandedly took me out that loop. like, oh... yes... maybe adapting and only having to use what i have now IS THE BEST i can do. and she said, rezeki ni, it will come when the time for it has come. there is no other explanation to it. it just, happens and arrives. which that led to another big sigh. 

when it's about rezeki, though i have grasped the idea of it, but this morning, it doesn't hit in me. i was still questioning and second guessing myself. i turned to tazkirah youtube, listening to it while doing my work. 

the shaykh talks about many topics, but mainly about the low mood and the high mood. when things don't go your ways, you're feeling low and feel tight in your chest. he talks about Al-Qabid and Al-Basit. just a big reflection, Asmaul Husna that i used to recite back in school for 5 years, but i didn't care learning more about it until now. 

he talks about, when Allah restricts us from something, thus making our heart and chest feel tight, which means feeling low, feeling sad, and anxious. he said, it's such a normal phenomenon, when wanting for something and Allah withholds it, we're feeling demotivated for not being blessed by things we want quickly. and he said we should be feeling a relief, that this whole experience means this is the test that will help us appreciate and grateful more of what will come. if it came fast, we'll forget how precious that is and we'll forget to cherish it. hence, it's happening now. it is the humbling experience we've been having. to make us ready to receive the blessing, in forms that we deserve. 

i reflected a lot. i started to feel grateful to have this anxiety of wanting more, because it just shows that i want something more out of this. and in order for me to appreciate to what's coming, to feel and live in the present of the longing. because i know i've done my best, the best that i know with my circumstances. now to live in the present, in that contraction, in that tightness. so when his Al-Basit comes, it'll give me the ultimate joy and relief, the peace with the sustenance that was written for me before i existed in this world. 

this helps me to calm down, to ground myself. yes, better days are coming. i know better days are coming. we're just have to live today, so the better days will come. 

all of the humbling experiences i've faced, whether i wanted that to happen to me or not, it's for the better joy, better relief, and the actual peace. and i'm living in one of them, after my distress period that lasted so many months. that's the proof of there's always ease after the hard days. i was forgetting that. i was too hyperfocused on things that i don't have. 

going back to the coach, she told me that it's hard to be spiralling. it's hard to get out of it, it's hard to find solutions for it. but the most important thing to do, is to let myself recover from it. that actually struck me straight to my heart. yes, i haven't let myself take things slow and actually recovering from everything. i was constantly on the move, finding out and thinking non stop, doing this and that non stop. i decided to go for a walk, to slow down my day and my time. and it has been awhile, i went to klcc park. i could smell the grass, the trees. i could see the sky with skyscrapers. i could see how big the klcc towers are. i could see all the colours, from how green the leaves are, the blue yellow orange pink evening sky. though i'm not completely recovered from this short walk, but i feel relieved. 

it has been a lot for me. and najwa you can rest, you can slow down and recover. let things be, just put everything aside. let's us focus on recovering ourselves. recentering and redirecting. 

you know, maybe life isn't that bad at all despite all of these tightness we feel sometimes.