is our entire being is to explain, to demand, and to try? i was lying down on my bed staring to the fan, "what if i just don't want to try anymore?" buzzing around my head. 

unbuttons my clothes, unties my hair, the humiliation ritual for today is, 

i yearn the space where i don't have to try. i yearn the space of me just be. i yearn the space of unapologetic laughters. i yearn the space of unapologetically ranting about everything. 

i think i hate doing everything that people will tell me "you can find that in you". i've been spending time with myself unapologetically like that! now i yearn to share the same space! 

it's unfortunate that shared space is built from bricks of shared experiences. it's direly unfortunate that nobody is actually see us through to the soul. and it's unfortunate for me having to continuously try again and again. 

and no, niche spaces and community are not working anymore to me. the constant state of getting pissed off over everything there and i'm too tired to mute block takes away the fun in it. i no longer want to be there. 

i feel like all of my sensory are so fried that my switch is flickering towards "off". this continuous state of trying to be okay, trying to feel okay, trying to face everything diving in, bracing myself again, feels like another set of spiral now  exists in my body. 

maybe i need another rest from everything.